Liveblogging This Fresh Hell: Indiana and North Carolina Primary Results Oh God This Fucking Thing Is Never Going to End LOL SRSLY I HATE EVERYTHING

All times are Central, because I’m tired of “figuring things out.”

6:12 PM: What the fuck time zone is Indiana in? Because they’re already reporting, and apparently so far Indianans are racist. 59-41 for the white bitch with 6% reporting. Keep up at CNN. Something about exit polls predicting easy win for Obama in North Carolina. North Carolina is going to put a bit in Hillary’s mouth and call her “Eight Belles.” (Mean!) (I know!)

6:17 PM: Okay, Okay, I just got home, so I’m trying to get into the correct frame of mind for the continued torture of Democracy by Hillary Clinton. Exit polls from IN say either Hillary up by 5 or Obama up by 1. Maybe he pull an upset and euthanize Hillary, figuratively? NC exit polls have Obama up by either 12 or 22 points (Haha, North Carolina hates Hillary, what with their “educated research triangle voters and black people.”)

6:35 PM: NC polls just closed. (I think?) Pam’s House Blend and Bob Cesca doing the live-blah-gging, oh and also Wonkette. So in case I decide to say fuck it and leave…

OH Haha CNN just called North Carolina for Obama with NO VOTES COUNTED. That means he beat her fucking lying ass like, infinity times! IN Clinton 57-43 18% reporting.

6:45 PM: From ABC, Obama Routs Clinton In North Carolina. That’s racist! Indiana still 57-43 Clinton 23% reporting. Either the networks are pissed about NC being such an easy call and want to stay on teevee all night, or “certain important areas” of IN haven’t started to report. Maybe I’ll check. Nah. Don’t care. Barack Obama is president of North Carolina and Guam, he doesn’t need those midwestern hicks.

6:53 PM: Dumb old Hillary said some bullshit today about 2,025 not being the number of delegates anymore. She’s like “no, I say 2,209, because Canada and my scrotum hair haven’t voted yet, and they’re going to vote for me because they hate black people just like Bill Clinton does!

7:01 PM: OH MY GOD JOHN MCCAIN IS SO FUCKING SENILE AND OLD!!! Today he said we should put missile defense in Czechoslovakia, which DOESN’T EXIST and hasn’t since I was in middle school or so! Jesus Christ.

Indiana STILL 57-43 Clinton with 34% reporting. Apparently the “Big Cities” (hahahaha) in Indiana haven’t reported yet, and some dumb fuck in NW Indiana forgot to turn the voting machines on, so the “Big Cities” (hahahaha) in Indiana are the suggested reason why Indiana’s margin is as wide as it is right now.

7:05 PM: Haha, right now NC is 66-32 Obama with 0% reporting. Wouldn’t it be funny haha if he actually beat her by that much? Huffington Post’s headline asks the question “Presumptive Nominee?” right now. I say yes, but then again, he already was, but the dipshit media/clinton supporters will be the last to find out because it’s a seeeeeecret.

7:11 PM: Wonkette makes me chortle with glee: “Jesus christ, are we going to continue to act surprised that uneducated blue-collar rural people aren’t rushing to vote for a black terrorist from Hawaii?” Loves it.

IN tightening up! Not really. 56-44 37% reporting. Still waiting for those make-believe “Big Cities” to report. NC 64-34 4% reporting.

7:19 PM: Oh great! Indiana’s new fucked up voter ID law, according to HuffPost, is working out totally peachy:

At least 10 retired nuns in South Bend, Ind., were barred from casting regular ballots in Tuesday’s Indiana Democratic primary election because they lacked photo IDs required under a state law upheld last week by the U.S. Supreme Court.

John Borkowski, a South Bend lawyer volunteering as an election watchdog for the Lawyers Committee for Civil Rights Under Law, said several of the retired nuns had been voting all of their lives but were told they lacked the required photo IDs.

How you like THEM apples, Hillary? I know, I know, voter ID laws are supposed to stop BLACK PEOPLE from voting, not white ladies who are totally f-in’ married to Jesus! AW NUTS!

7:22 PM: CBS just called Indiana for Clinton. Stupid CBS. Let’s have a 2000 moment, Indiana! Go crazy! Um. NC 64-34 with 1% of North Carolinians, the famed “dickbag” constituency, voting “no preference.” wtf srsly? CNN hasn’t called IN yet. 56-44 there.

7:34 PM: HAHAHAHAHAHA best Wonkette line possibly ever! What should Barry O do to connect with white working-class bitter people?

he should also make moonshine in the shed, let all his teeth fall out, be a-scared of ghosts, keep a sofa on the porch, put up a sign in the yard demanding the Army kick the Jews & UN out of America, and get his own daughters pregnant.

Still no word from other networks. Maybe CBS prematurely ejaculate like Screech Powers on Violet? IN Clinton 55-45 50% reporting; NC Obama 65-34 13% reporting 4,293 dickbags saying “no preference.”

7:40 PM: wtf srsly Hillz? Politico reporting that Hillz may be loaning her campaign MORE of her own non-elitist millions of dollars. Earth to Hillz…maybe people would give you money if they wanted you to be president, but they don’t, so stop hurting America, okbye.

IN down to 54-46 Clinton, still no calling from Teh Media. Bob Cesca make good point b/c Bob Cesca smart:

According to our front page, CBS is calling Indiana for Senator Clinton. If this is in fact the case, if Senator Obama pulls within 5% there, it’s not going to matter whether she won it or not.

7:53 PM: um. still nothing called in Indiana with 59% reporting. 54-46 Clinton. what the hell is going on up there? NC 62-36 Obama 19% reporting.

7:59 PM: Indiana tightening up now? 53-47 Clinton…that’s the tightest i’ve seen it all night…maybe media isn’t just jacking us all off with Chris Matthews’s sandpaper hands. maybe something happening? that’s with 65% suddenly reporting, btw. Indiana is always trying to be Ohio, but Indiana is adopted, and thus will never be as loved by Mommy as Ohio.

8:09 PM: I keep hearing about this supposed “Operation Chaos” that fat Rush Limbaugh has been trying to push, trying to get stupid people to go to the polls and vote for Hillary, blah blah blah. It’s sad if it’s true, because that means that a significant percentage of Americans are actually fucking stupid enough to do what the fat drug addict liar says.

Indiana holding at 53-47 with 68% (68!) reporting. CBS the only one to call it, like 300 years ago. NC down to 60-38, but whatever. only 26% reporting there so far. we already know he stomped her fat testicles today.

8:19 PM: Barry talking, me not watching, no have the cable, because poor and bitter. Barry “conceded” Indiana, then laughed about North Carolina, and then told Bill to suck his tumescent black dong. No. I don’t know what he’s saying.

8:32 PM: Barry talking, me watching on interwebs now b/c i’m such a wide-eyed idealist i can’t miss one speech from the great black hope. or maybe he’s talking about how John McCain would be the worst thing for America since American Idol and Dick Cheney. CNN down to 52-48 in Indiana with 72% reporting and STILL hasn’t called it. Indianamaniac i’m talking to explains to me that Lake County, which is next to Chicago, hasn’t reported like, any votes, and apparently that’s where the Obamaniacs and the non-bitter voters live or something blah blah blah. Barry says he’s going to change politics by telling the truth “forcefully and repeatedly…even if it’s coming from an imperfect messenger…because that’s how we’ve always changed this country…not from the top down, but from the bottom up.” (He’s right!)

8:33 PM: “I trust the American people to realize that it’s not weakness, but wisdom to talk to our enemies.” NO FUCKING SHIT.

8:36 PM: Something i just noticed….Obama’s speeches are always fantastic, granted, but his tone has changed ever so slightly: he’s talking like The Nominee right now. Very good. I can’t wait to watch him run against WALNUTS!!

8:43 PM: North Carolina not as awesomely ball-stomping as before, but still 57-41 with 52% reporting. Indiana hanging in at 52-48 74% reporting and MSNBC has changed their language to “too close to call.”

8:49 PM: okay wow, um, Chuck Todd said there are 300,000-350,000 votes still out, and if Barry O wins 55% he could win the state. wowowow. if Obama upsets here, i’m going to have to go out and let people buy me drinks because my bank acct is still fucked up from a fraudulent transaction, but anyway, yay!

8:54 PM: 78% reporting, STILL 52-48. COME ON, Lake County next to Chicago black people! COUNT YOUR VOTES FOR BARACK. grrrrrr.

8:58 PM: another sensible prediction from Bob Cesca:

The rest of the states… Senator Clinton will easily win West Virginia and Kentucky. Senator Obama will win Oregon, South Dakota and Montana. The campaign is over. The superdelegates will not overturn the pledged delegate count and Michigan & Florida will be seated 50-50.

9:17 PM: STILL 52-48. 84% reporting. Nothing from Lake County. Some are calling this a “barn-burner.” haha white people talk.

9:44 PM: the margin in NC right now is 781,911 to 582,257 with 86% reporting. Bob Cesca points out that the magic margin is 200,000 votes, which will completely negate Hillary’s win in Pennsylvania. haha. even when she wins she loses, like in Texas! haha! Hillary is going to have to go back to Congress and be jealous of the Barack, like every day!

9:50 PM: apparently the bitch is talking, and they haven’t even called Indiana, she’s declaring victory, blah blah blah, stealing lines from Obama (“yes we will”), and pulling her commander-in-chief bullshit.

stupid

cunt. (like Cindy McCain! haha!)

10:04 PM: MSNBC says “heavily African American” precincts are still out in Indiana. Enough with the fat jokes, Chris Matthews!

10:22 PM: i’m eating macaroni & cheese and waiting. JEALOUS?

10:40 PM: okay, this is getting weird…is there something going on in Lake county that we should know about? it’s starting to smell funny. not ONE vote in yet…all the remaining precincts are Obama strongholds. Chuck Todd says Obama has to win Lake with 60-65%. he won Indianapolis with 67…

10:48 PM: wow, things just moved fast. it was 88% reporting, now it’s 91%. 38,000 votes separated them 5 minutes ago, now it’s 20,000….51-49 Clinton. things are moving, i think…

10:52 PM: according to Wonkette, that was 20% of Lake’s votes that caused that move…everybody’s going “whoa.”

10:58 PM: a thought…Hillary turned Barack’s words back on him earlier in her speech, referring to when he said that she had won PA, he would win NC, and that IN would be the tiebreaker…but she was declaring victory at the time…if he pulls this out, will she eat her words? or will she continue hurting America?

11:09 PM: okay…the votes that are still out are in Gary, which is a predominantly black city. so that’s really good. Tim Russert says Hillary has cancelled her appearances on tomorrow’s morning shows…that’s interesting. also Chris Matthews went off on stupid fucking Rush Limbaugh loving “dittoheads” for misusing their voting rights, since, um, people fucking died for those rights. RIGHT ON, Chris Matthews, and i don’t say that much. (h/t Bob Cesca)

11:36 PM: 92% reporting, 19,000 votes separating, still 51-49.

Also, Gary, IN is fucking weird and i never want to go there. Isn’t that where Oprah’s farm was, like south of Gary?

*smacks head*

Opppppprah……what are you doing right now? Where are you, Oprah? You’re not eating the heads off of election workers, are you Oprah? Opppppppppprah! Oprah!

11:40 PM: wow. Hillary has cancelled all her public appearances tomorrow, not just the morning shows. is she backing out, or is she buckling down to contest Lake county? I agree with Bob Cesca (on his live blog i’m not doing the fucking link again…) that if she chooses to contest Lake, we have to support her, since if it were reversed, we would be screaming…

11:44 PM: 95% reporting, just over 16,000 votes separate them…

12:15 AM: Jesus Hussein Christ. CNN & MSNBC have called it for Clinton. 51-49. this is really just a psychological win for Clinton…the delegates will be split down the middle in Indiana, and he beat her ass in North Carolina.

Hillary will, of course, be the last to know, but it’s over. the media’s “narrative” has changed. Obama is the “presumptive nominee.”

Tomorrow will be “superdelegate day,” most likely.

the Obama campaign has also pointed out that, even with the hypothetical inclusion of Michigan & Florida’s delegates, with his gains tonight (he negated Clinton’s win in PA and then some), he will officially have won a majority of the available delegates as of May 20 or so…

fucking democracy.