Fundamentalist Christian Words of Wisdom #5

Oh, the batshittery continues.

Today’s question, in the OneNewsNow forums, is about whether or not Barack Obama is a REAL Christian.

These people should be required to wear inner tubes on land for their own protection, their grasp of facts and reality is so tenuous…

Most of them are of the paranoid persuasion that things like equal rights will lead to persecution of True Believing Christians (TM). There is only one law I would support that would have the unfortunate effect of disenfranchising most Fundamentalists — In every election, a ten question quiz would be provided wherein the voting-hopeful would have to demonstrate a half-assed knowledge of where the competing candidates fall on the issues. Seven out of ten would be an acceptable threshhold for voting. Most Fundamentalists would, unfortunately, fail miserably. (Of course, their voting rights would be in their own hands in this case. Educate yourself or stay home and allow the grown-ups to make the decisions.) To demonstrate the fundamentalist lack of a fundamental understanding of reality, let’s look at some of the comments on this subject, “Is Barack Obama a REAL CHRISTIAN?”:

Bill Keller [Evangelical ex-con douchebag - Ed.] may be right about Obama. The media has not talked about his upbringing in the early years. The media reports that Obama’s father left when he was two, then jumps to 10 to 12 years of age it does not mention the time Obama spent in a Muslim school. He was trained at a very young age, I believe his roots are grounded in Muslim. Perhaps he is here to destroy American’s freedoms from the inside. He may not even be an American. Prayer for our country now.

Oh, like Jesus? Are there years missing from the record? For the record, the school Obama attended in Indonesia was a secular school. How can someone’s roots be “grounded in Muslim,” just curiously…oh, and he may not be an American. To clear things up, Obama was born in Hawai’i and McCain was born in Panama. Haha. Stupid.

Jesus said by their fruits you will know them. What Obama stands for is not what Jesus stands for.

This is always so funny to me because, if one truly focuses on the words and teachings of Jesus, it is impossible to miss the fact that Obama’s lifework has been MUCH more in line with Jesus’s teachings than any Republican to hit the national scene in decades. Check out this rube:

I have NEVER felt Obama is a Christianfor the following reasons.
1. He was educated for several years in a Medrasa in Indonesia.
2. He has made statements such as, ‘If it comes to that, (In regard to the Jews), I’ll have to come down on the side of the Islamics”
3. He became a Chirstian late in life, perhaps not concidentially with his decision to enter politics.
What was he BEFORE he became a Christian? Since the Islamics don’t seem to upset or put off by him, perhaps he is one of their own.
4. He is endorsed by Ophara who seems to be founding her own “New Age” religion
5. He has no trouble with killing babies.
6. He seems to feel the U.S and most particularly, white Americans, are to blame for
EVERYTHING bad in the world.
Well, although I could come up with other reasons, that’s probably enough for now.

1. No he wasn’t, and the correct spelling is “madrassa” or “madrassah.”
2. What the hell statement is the writer referring to? Sounds like somebody’s been reading e-mails in the Adult Daycare…
3. He became a Christian when he was younger than I am currently…and I’m 28. How is that possibly “late in life?” And who are the “Islamics” anyway?
4. Who the hell is “Ophara”? Grin.
5. And here we have Teh Stupid from the people who don’t understand the abortion issue in this country. Supporting policies that actually work has nothing to do with a desire to “kill babies,” but rather a desire to support policies that actually work. Pro-choice policies have been shown consistently to do FAR MORE to reduce the number of abortions performed in this country than so-called “pro-life” policies.
6. Where is all this “racist rhetoric” that white fundamentalists hear? Nobody else hears it.

Please affix your government-issued inner tube to your body, so that we may know to steer clear, commenter.

If you’re truly a Living Believing Believer-Christian living the life of as a believer; then it only takes seconds or minutes to KNOW whom is and is not. Obama is just another falsy antichrist that has that (believe me smile) you idiots… Well, plenty of us are not dummies… Good bye Obamie and good riddens….

Living Believer Christian living Believing liver life believe Obamie “seconds or minutes” “falsy” tard tard tard. “Goodbye” is one word, you moron.

His name is Barak Hussein Obama. He doesn’t like to have his “middle name” used!!!!!!

He wasn’t named in vain.

If it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, I think you can conclude, it is a duck!!!!!!

Who said he didn’t like having his middle name used? The only people it seems to bother are idiot fundamentalists. The rest of us understand that it’s merely a Semitic name. Also, he was named, yes, not “in vain,” whatever the HELL that means, but was named after his father. Just like when the commenter named her firstborn “Bubba Ray Bob, Jr.” That being said, I don’t know why the commenter feels the need to invoke ducks so much. Is she taking ducks in vain?

We are not judging the man to death or hell. but it is up to us to know who labors among us and to vote for the best person as far as G-d is concerned. This man is not it. He very well could be the most successful “sleeper” in the US.

Sleeper??? And here I was under the impression that the greatest terrorist threat among us was Rachael Ray.

Put on yer seatbelts for the next one, it’s a killer:

What is your problem? First off, Obama-rama is no more a christian than my dog is (and they do a better job than he ever will). You CANNOT be pro-abortion, pro-homosexual, or have a wife with the kind of mouth she has and call yourself a Christian. You CANNOT sit in a church (or any church for that matter), listen to the hateful rhetoric Obama-rama’s pastor spit out for 20 years and call yourself a Christian. What, may I ask, kind of an idiot are you? Secondly, you mentioned Obama-rama’s “change”. What change? Change from what to what? YOU, whoever you are, are as full of obama-rama rhetoric as he is. He as slick talked you into believing that the moon is made out of green cheese. Excuse me while I vomit. Oh, and by the way, how come Kenya is so pleased he “won” the demoncratic (done that one on purpose) nomination? What good does it do them? They aren’t going to be voting for this loser, you are. You need to get a life!

Now look, my dog is a fine Christian, so I’ll not have you impugning her faith. And his name isn’t Obama-rama. It’s Barack Hussein Napoleon Pol Pot Hitler Obama-Rama. Get it right, asshole. Also, I have never heard Obama say that the moon is made out of green cheese. Are you back from vomiting? Oh, and Kenya is pleased because he still has family there, and it makes America look really good to the rest of the world, restores some of their hope that the US might actually still be a land of opportunity, a beacon for the “huddled masses,” that the American Dream might actually still be alive and well, in spite of the last seven disastrous years. Good one, though, with the “demoncratic” line! Nobody has EVER made that joke!

One more, and my tolerance level for stupid will have been reached.

The Bible does say that you will judge a tree by the fruit that it bears. However, it is not my place to judge anyone …that is set aside for the Lord. Believe me when I say that his day will come!!Obama’s personal relationship with Christ is between him and Christ. It is spiritual cancer for a man to compromise his soul for the politics of this country. I, personally, have an issue with a man that swears in to this country’s political office on the Kuran. If you can not believe in the foundation of this country being that God is the ultimate Power…you do not deserve to be a US citizen. Over 200 years ago, this country was founded on the belief that God was the omnipotent…now, only 86% of this nation even believe in God. Of that 86%, I would be curious to know the percentage of the truly sincere. People seek change…the Bible says to seek out the old path and walk there-in. What is about to happen will not and can not be prevented because John visioned this in the book of Revelations. All we can do is pray without ceasing, try and get you and your loved ones ready for the 2nd coming. The US will go down because of its iniquities. God destroyed two cities for what is going on in California today!! Rest assured that the wrath of God will be fierce on this country and those that have supported its iniquities.

Okay, first she says that it’s not her place to judge…but then she judges…Let’s see, first of all, Obama did not swear his oath of office on the Q’uran. That was a Minnesota representative, Keith Ellison. Obama swore his oath on the Bible. There are pictures on the internet. Google them. This country was not founded as a Christian nation. A perfunctory look at the beliefs of the Founding Fathers, as well as the Constitution and other early documents proves this. Google them. John did not “vision” anything about the United States in the book of Revelation. Arguably, John did not “vision” anything about the current times. Arguably the book of Revelation has already been fulfilled. Arguably the book of Revelation was a hallucination. Is it not weird to anyone else that these people attempt to speak authoritatively on the contents of religious texts that were written in Greek, Hebrew, and Aramaic, when it’s obvious they don’t even have a good grasp on English? That’s weird to me. Call me an elitist. Oh, and God destroyed Sodom (if you believe the story literally) for the sin of inhospitality, which doesn’t quite mean what you think it means. This is explained numerous times throughout the Bible. (Look at Deuteronomy 29:17-26, 32:32-38; Isaiah 1:9-23, 3:8-19; Jeremiah 23:10-14, 49:16-18, 50:2-40; Lamentations 4:3-6; Ezekiel 16:49-50; Amos 4:1-11; Zephaniah 2:8; 2 Peter 2:6; and the only explanation that even mentions sex is Jude 1.) When the men showed up wanting to have sex with the visitors, it wasn’t about homosexuality, it wasn’t about sexual immorality, and it wasn’t even about SEX, really! It was, as all violent rape is, about power. This understanding of the Jude text, in light of all the other verses relating to Sodom, makes much more sense. Jesus himself actually referred to Sodom several times. (Matthew 10, 11; Luke 10) Wouldn’t that have been a great time for Jesus to condemn gays, if that’s what he wanted to do? Instead, his statements fall in line with the reality that the sin of Sodom, yes, for the last time, was inhospitality. For a fuller understanding of just what “hospitality” meant in Biblical times, go here. So no, ma’am, that has nothing to do with allowing people in California who love each other equal rights and privileges under the law.

Don’t ever let ANYONE convince you that Conservatives and Fundamentalists have the market cornered on reverent Biblical interpretation, or even on believing the Bible “literally,” since a “literal” interpretation requires diving into the text to understand things like context, tradition, culture, etc. Also, don’t let them use the “inerrant” line on you. They’re all strawmen meant to win arguments, and far too many people let them.

There are many other stupid comments where those came from. I only made it halfway down the first page or so. As always, if you try to click the link and end up being redirected to a “Good Person Test,” let me know, because the “journalists” at OneNewsNow are little children who can’t handle the scrutiny of opposing viewpoints. In that case, you can always copy/paste the link into your browser.

“Last time I checked, He came to light the lamp for everyone…” (Tori Amos “Marys of the Sea”)

(h/t for all of it to Pam’s House Blend)