If gays get married, Al Gore will marry the ozone layer!

And he will have to divorce the internet, which he created with Tipper!

Fundamentalists just get dumber and more hysterical and dumber and more hysterical every single day, especially in the days since the California ruling. Meet bigot Don Feder, who is ranting about gay marriage in California:

Collie-for-nee-ah Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who refuses to support the marriage-protection initiative, said homosexuals coming there to tie the knot will be great for the state’s economy — thereby conclusively proving the connection between steroids and brain damage.

(…)

John McCain (who voted twice against the Federal Marriage Amendment when it was before the Senate) is playing hide-and-go-seek on the issue.

Pro-family activists had hoped that McCain would issue a clarion call to defend marriage during a recent California visit. Instead, he appeared on the Ellen DeGeneres Show, doing his best to smooch up to America’s most famous lesbian entertainer.

Ellen said she was thrilled to “now legally get married.” McCain cooed, “People should be able to enter into legal arrangements (code for civil unions), and I think that is something we should encourage.” We certainly want to do all we can to promote a lifestyle which generates astronomical rates of sexually-transmitted diseases.

Ellen wasn’t placated by McCain’s obeisance, responding that all of the legal rights of marriage without the word marriage, “feels like we aren’t owed the same thing and the same wording.” To which the logical response is: You’re not. Get over it. Pigs may regret their inability to get airborne. They still can’t fly.

McCain complimented DeGeneres for her ability to “articulate that position in a very eloquent fashion, and we have a disagreement” (without actually putting into words the nature of the disagreement). He concluded by wishing her “every happiness.” Mazel tov on your perversion.

(…)

Pardon my hate-filled rhetoric, but when exactly did homosexuals become a division of humanity instead of a sorry collection of individuals (connected only by their carnal appetites) caught up in a perverted lifestyle?

(…)

The slide down the slippery slope accelerates at breakneck speed. What awaits us at the bottom isn’t gay marriage alone — which is merely a way station — but a sexual totalitarian state (replete with Diversity Gestapo) in which dissent from the gay agenda will be ruthlessly suppressed.

(…)

Conscience and intimidation aside, gay matrimony will turn marriage into a free-form institution. If two men or two women can tie the knot in California, why not two women and two men, or a woman and her brother, or a man and a chicken, or Al Gore and the ozone layer?

A few notes:

1. It’s not nice to make fun of foreign people, especially foreign people who could beat the shit out of you with their fingers.
2. Feder expects his readers to be retarded on the issue of STD’s, since any idiot can easily look up STD statistics on the interwebs and find out that lesbians (like Ellen DeGeneres & her soon-to-be wife Portia de Rossi) have lower STD rates than straight people OR gay men. So. I guess that part of Don Feder’s argument falls flat.
3. As to the comment about pigs not being able to fly and gays not being equal to straights, well, that’s sad, because denying reality must be difficult for Don Feder. All of these idiots are hysterical right now because gay people ARE getting married, and the anti’s are losing their so-called “culture war” at “breakneck speed,” because the greater population is starting to understand that these anti-gay bigots really are no different from those who fought to keep black people from voting. Take away the poor interpretation of Scripture that these people hide behind, and all that’s left is hate. (Oh, and whining. LOTS of petulant whining.)
4. Dude actually made a Gestapo comment. Comparing human equality to Hitler’s police force. Doesn’t this stupid dick know that when you have to resort to comparing your opposition to the Nazis, you lose? It’s the most fucking pathetic cop-out in existence. And Don Feder is a Jew! What an embarrassment to All Jewish People Everywhere, especially Holocaust survivors and their descendants, to trivialize their suffering by having the audacity to compare gay people loving each other to the Nazis who massacred 6 million of their people.
5. Chickens can’t sign marriage contracts, because they don’t have opposable thumbs, dumbass.

Anyway. Point and laugh at the stupid.

Now, because this is OneNewsNow, there’s a comments section! YAY!

“Excellent and honest commentary! What it says about the writer is that he is right!”

What it says about the commenter is that she is illiterate.

What a great article! Mr. Feder is brilliant! He has been able to articulate very succinctly what I have thought but have been unable to put into words. I’ve often wondered if I’m the only person in the world who can see where the homosexual agenda is going to lead us. It’s nice to know that there are two of us! Imagine that we’re considering giving special rights and privileges to homosexuals because they insert their penises inside another man’s butt.

We are also going to give special rights and privileges to heterosexuals who put their penises in ladies’ butts, don’t worry.

Some liberals and true Christians and gays try to knock some sense into the other commenters occasionally:

My life partner and I raised two beautiful daughters and have four amazing grandchildren. You imply my family has no value. You dimish our 30 years of love and commitment with your mean spirited rant. Shame on you.

Awww. Glad to see people telling the truth.

Back to fucknuts:

“Many who are addicted to snack cakes want their doctors to tell them they are not at fault, and that he will find some sort of cure. What they need is to pay attention to his educated assessment and healthy advice. Instead, they will call him an idiot and keep going from doctor to doctor until they find one who will enable their destructive behavior. Mr. Feder is like the educated doctor who cares enough about the patient to tell the truth–not like others who will tell the patients what they want to hear so that he can keep earning money off their regular visits.”

Oh my god, is Cartman’s mom a fundamentalist Christian? What is the world coming to?

That’s a new one, though…I have never been compared to a snack cake addict.

This one’s good:

I thought the article was well written and covered most all the points. The California judges decision was a breach of trust with the majority of Californians and society. It is repulsive, insulting and discrimitory for a man and woman to be issued a Marriage certificate that says Party A & B. The judges decision makes me ashamed to be a Californian, but I was born one and I still vote. If only we had the choice to say none of the present candidates are acceptable. Homophobia is just a cacophemism for a normal natural abhorance of perversion. Which is being psychologically removed from society by rich elitists who deny their own conscience.

Grammatical and spelling errors aside (because these comments sections are ALWAYS full of them), I have to marvel at the idea that a marriage license that says “Party A” and “Party B” is somehow discriminatory against straight people. Correct me if I’m wrong, heteros, but do you need people to constantly acknowledge your genitals, and how different they are from your partner’s, in order to find meaning in your marriages? I mean, I’m willing to be educated if this is the case, but…That being said, I am grateful to have been alerted to the rich elitist deniers who psychologically remove cacophemisms and abhorances from society, most likely using the ozone layer in some way.

A’ight, off to seduce a chicken.

(h/t for the original link to Good-As-You)