American Family Association announces boycott of 195 more companies, as well as life in general, due to inescapable gayness

(TUPELO) — The American Family Assocation (AFA) doubled down in their failing anti-gay crusade today by announcing a boycott of 195 “Fortune 1000″ companies, the United States Constitution, as well as “you know, life in general,” according to AFA president Don Wildmon. The 195 companies were chosen for receiving 100% ratings from the Human Rights Campaign (PDF), which are awarded based on a set of criteria which indicate how well companies support equality and diversity with respect to all of their employees, including those in the LGBT community. Though the Fundamentalist hate group acknowledges that it might be difficult to, “y’know, basically boycott ever’thang,” they claim this is a cross they must bear, an act they see as similar to Jesus’s eternal sacrifice for their sins. It is unclear whether Jesus of Nazareth, The Christ, actually supports the AFA’s Boycott-a-palooza. Three interview requests submitted to Heaven on the matter were rebuffed with silence, silence, and finally “What?!?! My child, please, we are BUSY up here…who? Don Wildmon? Never heard of him, Sorry.”

Some of the companies being boycotted by the AFA brought a general “haw haw”/chortle of glee to members of the gay community, who pointed out that it shan’t be too difficult for AFA and its members to boycott Google and Yahoo!, since “they don’t seem to be the ‘ask questions/verify information’ type, really, do they?” Wildmon countered that his sheep followers would not miss Google or Yahoo!, as they are also boycotting Apple, Dell, Hewlett-Packard, Microsoft, and IBM, and “so we won’t be needing computers anymore, now will we! Gotcha!” The organization will most likely have to eschew air travel and automobiles as well. Many airlines and all major American automakers are included in the boycott, as are Subaru, Toyota, and Volkswagen. European cars were already considered “totally gay,” according to Wildmon. He suddenly added, in an outburst, “And, like, anyway, WHATEVER, because I can’t use any of my credit cards anymore without immediately imagining Mario Lopez’s supple gams, so leave me alone!” Though Discover is notably absent, Wildmon is correct to stay away from spending any money at all, really, as Visa, Mastercard, and American Express are indeed on the list. We are unable to find a notable correlation between credit cards and Mario Lopez’s supple gams, but we trust Mr. Wildmon when he says it’s there.

Even children can “send a message” with the boycott, though it’s had some admittedly unexpected consequences. No longer allowed a choice between Pepsi and Coke (both on the list), 12 year-old Kaitlin Merkin of Gainesville, FL called the dilemma the “proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back” and briefly considered saying goodbye to her cruel gay world by drowning her sorrows in Clorox, until her mother calmly reminded her that Clorox is also totally gay, and thus, a no-no, leaving young Kaitlin dejected, but very much alive. Unfortunately, Kaitlin and her mother reached untimely ends as this article was going to print, as Harry Merkin, Kaitlin’s father, had removed the family’s (totally faggy) Honeywell alarm system, and hadn’t had time to choose a new, more Christian alarm company.

Trying to “do their parts” in advancing the boycott, noted anti-gay activists Peter LaBarbera and Matt Barber were seen this afternoon “boycotting Kraft Foods” by slapping each other about the buttocks in Barber’s backyard with Kraft American Cheese Doubles for Couples in an inflatable swimming pool.

Just remember, boys: It’s not gay if you say “good game.”

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